Trust life

Sorry that I have taken a couple days off. Teaching is exhausting; I have always loved and admired 99% of my teachers, but having to do it myself gives such incredible insight and elevates my level of respect exponentially. I kind of want to go back and try even harder and let the teachers I have had know how much I appreciate the thought and effort that goes into each class.

Teaching has never been something I thought I would do, it just kind of fell into my lap. Hearkening back to my childhood pageant days, I remember that each contestant was asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" It seemed like everyone around me wanted to be a teacher (or a vet), and I would always answer, "A mathematician." haha Clearly that didn't work out, so it seems that very few of use actually know what we're talking about when it comes to what we want to be when we grow up. Frankly at this point in my life I'd just like to grow up, you know, get a little taller, reach the "big girl" shelves at the grocery store, etc.

How many incarnations of what I wanted to "be" did I go through? There was the mathematician with a degree from Yale, there was the actress (again with a degree from Yale), there was the English/Japanese translator (degree from Middlebury), Psychologist, Broadway star (degree from Carnegie Mellon, NYU, Shenandoah - they finally took me), and then I applied to Tulane with no real plan. Never did I consider balance sheets, marketing strategies, economic theory, management theory, market trends to ever be part of my life. It seems that my life simply happens upon the best choices for me.

I guess that is a product of my subconscious knowing that it is much too dangerous to let me think (and think and think and think and think x 100000) about it and try to decide for myself. I have quite the intuitive and observant subconscious in fact. It helps me to cultivate the best friendships and pay attention to the most random, yet important information. Also it helps me to do research and think carefully about things, and then to throw all that away and completely shift gears. I tend to jump headfirst into situations and potential life experiences of which I have little or no knowledge prior to my adventures. I would say this is how I finally came to settle on studying business (from music theatre) and how I finally ended up at Bentley. This is how I decided to move to Japan and teach English and this is probably how I will find my first job back in the States.

I am drawn to doing difficult things. I make crazy choices and completely leave my whole life behind every couple years. I hate change, go figure. I go through intense periods of pseudo "regret," and at the same time begin planning my next adventure.

sidenote: When it comes to the reality of my life, I regret nothing I have ever done. I sincerely believe regret is a useless emotion and waste of energy. Regret applies only to events that have already passed and thus cannot be changed. Events that are happy actually produce positive energy when reflected upon and basked in. Events that are unhappy are merely a drain of energy and severely reduces the value of your human capital and potential for greatness.

Adventures I want to have in my life even though I know they will be hard and I may want to give up halfway through (which is never an option):

• Climb Mt. Fuji again and get to the top this time
• Travel across the USA and see every state and every gimmicky giant ball of yarn there is. Oh yeah, and majestic things like the Grand Canyon.
• Get married
• Make a family of my own
• Make a lot of money, and spend a lot of money so that my children can see the world and make their own adventures and difficult decisions. I want to be as good as my Mom when my kid is having a tough time halfway around the world.
  
• Live until I am very very old and I can tell my great grandchildren about the time I climbed Mt. Fuji. (like for real, and got to the top and everything)