Monday, July 19, 2010

Adult growing pains

I'm experiencing some adult growing pains. The kind where you have to finally step out of the limbo between childhood and adulthood, and choose a path. Nothing is set in stone, that's not the way life works, but you have to choose a beginning. For me this beginning means such an abundance happiness, but with a side order of pain with a sense of longing dipping sauce. It's only at random, inopportune times that I feel sad for some of the choices I have made.

In choosing my beginning, I cut out some people, friends, that were pretty important in helping to shape who I have become. The path I have chosen no longer includes those people, but there was a time in my life when I thought I would spend the rest of my life with those people. It is a very difficult decision for me to deal with, and I do question if my extreme decision to sever ties was really warranted.

I think it all comes down to the fact that I feel everything as though my emotions were tangible. I experience my feelings in such an intense and passionate way that I can't pick and choose parts of a friendship I want to keep. I do not have the strength and will power to be friends with a skin deep relationship after so many years of turmoil and bonding and confidence and love. I am a logical and rational person until it comes to my relationships; my emotions and passion take over and sabotage the stability in my life.

To you I have asked to journey on without me next to you, I cannot say I am unaffected and always happy about this choice. You will never read this, but I hope my eloquence has displayed itself a little better here and that you know in your heart how important you were to me and how important your happiness still is to me.