Adult growing pains

I'm experiencing some adult growing pains. The kind where you have to finally step out of the limbo between childhood and adulthood, and choose a path. Nothing is set in stone, that's not the way life works, but you have to choose a beginning. For me this beginning means such an abundance happiness, but with a side order of pain with a sense of longing dipping sauce. It's only at random, inopportune times that I feel sad for some of the choices I have made.

In choosing my beginning, I cut out some people, friends, that were pretty important in helping to shape who I have become. The path I have chosen no longer includes those people, but there was a time in my life when I thought I would spend the rest of my life with those people. It is a very difficult decision for me to deal with, and I do question if my extreme decision to sever ties was really warranted.

I think it all comes down to the fact that I feel everything as though my emotions were tangible. I experience my feelings in such an intense and passionate way that I can't pick and choose parts of a friendship I want to keep. I do not have the strength and will power to be friends with a skin deep relationship after so many years of turmoil and bonding and confidence and love. I am a logical and rational person until it comes to my relationships; my emotions and passion take over and sabotage the stability in my life.

To you I have asked to journey on without me next to you, I cannot say I am unaffected and always happy about this choice. You will never read this, but I hope my eloquence has displayed itself a little better here and that you know in your heart how important you were to me and how important your happiness still is to me.

A very very Merry Merry

The most Merry Christmas to everyone out there! I really hope that love and happiness finds everyone this season. Because of all the snow last weekend, we have a truly white Christmas so everything feels very festive for tomorrow. I am so happy to be home with my family for the evening. I am always reminded how important family is when I finally get to see mine after so many months of "real life."

As the year draws to a close, I have been considering the past months and how my life has changed since the beginning of 2009. There have been so many important events and transformations over the year that I hope I can take this momentum into 2010 and create a good life for myself.

Enjoy your family time, and I will be doing a brain dump in the next few days.

Baby steps

Today the sun was shining, so that's a good sign. My heart is still heavy, and my eyes fill with tears at random moments - the sound of a familiar song, an old memory pops into my head - but these feelings will help me to grow and continue on a forward moving path through life.

I'm not at all ready for Christmas, but I am VERY ready to be with my family. After being half way around the world during the holidays last year, I am very thankful to spend this time with my family and to tell them I love them whenever possible. I am fortunate in that I will always have a home with wonderful parents where I know I am welcome any time.

I think we all need a safe haven. For some that is a physical place, for others that is a person - for everyone it is a necessary part of hurting and healing from which none of us are exempt. Perhaps it is cliche, but the truth remains; the holidays are a perfect time for nostalgia, memories, and feeling every emotion of which you are capable. I'm thankful for the life I am living and my ability to remember so many wonderful things. I have learned a lot about change and transition, but I still feel deeply and cling dearly to the memories I have made with those whom I love.

For as sad as I have felt over the past week, and the sadness I am sure to experience in the coming weeks, I am eternally thankful for the abounding love and support in my life. Sadness is an emotion like any other that needs to be felt and shouldn't be ignored, but I am looking forward to the near future when my inclination is to laugh instead of cry.

And to end on a happy note, even through my foggy tears, I have a wonderful network of friends and family that all made me feel really special today.

Today is awful. My tears just won't stop. My heart hurts and I don't know that it will ever feel whole again. It's hard to breathe and I just can't stop my head from spinning. I don't like when life doesn't make sense. I need to find God again, I need to learn to rely upon myself again. I have to figure out how to push through life while the debris is falling around me. I know I am not the only person that feels so desperate and in pain. I know that you are hurting too. I don't know what else to say. My words are all gone and my happiness with it for the time being. I still believe in love, and I believe in the future, but the present feels like a burning house from which I cannot escape.

Thundersnow of '09

Sitting by the window and staring at the snow is really all I have been doing all day. Quick update and recap: I am now living with my grandparents and doing temp work at the Japanese Embassy in DC. I really like working. I wish this were permanent and I didn't have to continuously think about finding a permanent job, but for now things are going pretty well on the job front.

But as for right this minute, we are being pelted with snow and it is not afraid to accumulate! So far we have about 14 inches and down it continues to pour. I haven't seen snow like this since I was a kid! Of course the snow puts a total wrench in my weekend and I have to miss some events that I was really looking forward to, but I guess safety should be a priority. Secretly though, I think it is pretty cool. I know I have this reputation for hating winter and snow and cold - but I still have a romanticized idea of a White Christmas and a Winter Wonderland.

Can you picture it? Bundled with scarves and hats, snow boots and mittens. Walking hand in hand through snow covered woods. Pink cheeks and noses, cold ears, soft kisses and bright laughter. Evening setting with the moon gleaming off the stark white snow. A warm fire inside with cookies baking and muled cider in over-sized Christmas mugs. Sweaters and turtle necks, thick socks and blankets. Jazzy Christmas music playing and more laughter and kisses. This has got to be the happiest thought in the whole world!

I am deciding today to just be happy. I don't feel so purely happy much these days, so I am taking today and sticking in my pocket so it can't escape from me. I wish happiness to anyone still checking up on my blog. Thank you to my readers - even through all the months of no new thoughts.

There's no in between

I'm either crazy busy and running around or I am sitting on the couch all day trying to look for a job. My first few weeks home was a whirlwind of traveling and driving and theme parks and reconnecting with friends and family. It was busy and happy and I had no time to sit and think about, "What next?" I kind of liked it that way - I like being busy. Lately it's only been about, "What next?" I've been thinking about this question a lot - and about how to make my savings stretch until that next piece falls into place. Everything is a double-edged sword right now, and with that brings a lot of ups and downs. I'm walking a tightrope with myself to try and figure out what the next big step in my life should be, where it should be, and how I should make it happen. It's a nice thought to think that I am the only one to consider in this decision - but wholly unrealistic.

I think I need a bit of focus - but it's really difficult for me to cut out any options when I am so desperate for a job. Again, double-edged. It's great to talk to my Mom all the time and to so many other people that care about me, but sometimes I just don't want to talk about the job search any more. I don't want the valuable advice I'm being given or the magazines I am being told to read. This is immaturity and stubbornness talking - but it's the truth. Everyone has an opinion about how I should do this and everything thinks I am so capable and qualified, but no one is in the position to just GIVE me the job. Heck, all I really want is to get an interview - I can handle the rest.

I vow to continue applying and taking the suggestions and advice from those around me. I vow to follow-up with the applications I have already submitted and express to these employers that I am for real. I vow to keep trying until something pans out. Mom and Dad, I vow to keep paying all my bills and begin applying for retail and service positions if my savings wears too thin.

Just keep writing, just keep writing, writing, writing

It has been a month since I moved back to my West Virginia home. It has been a hectic month traveling and having wonderful reunions with friends and family. Some of the highlights have been vacationing on the beach, parties up in Boston, quality sister time in New York, and the happiest visit with Chika and Jason in DC. There are so many things to be happy about and thankful for being home.

Sometimes though, I do lose sight of these things. Being home is only hard because Japan is far away - really the same reason being in Japan was hard. **If anyone could invent a working teleportation device, I would give up my first born.**

So what am I doing now? It's a natural question, but comes with a certain amount of stress. Now, I am doing the job search thing - but not as productive with this task as I could be. I have no excuse and I don't intend to think one up. Simply, I am trying my hardest to feel comfortable in my own skin again and comfortable living in the room in which I grew up. I am taking all parts of growing up and being an adult at my own pace. Ultimately, I trust myself and my abilities to find a job and continue on with my life.

In this transition lives many emotions. This is something I was expecting, and not something that I can explain; so I won't try. I will continue to write this blog and share my thoughts and experiences and as much of my emotion as I can with you. Writing has a great healing power in my life, and something that I need to do in order to remain clear-headed.

Have patience with me or don't. Keep reading or don't. Don't expect me to live up to your expectations - I am struggling with my own right now.