Thursday, December 24, 2009

A very very Merry Merry

The most Merry Christmas to everyone out there! I really hope that love and happiness finds everyone this season. Because of all the snow last weekend, we have a truly white Christmas so everything feels very festive for tomorrow. I am so happy to be home with my family for the evening. I am always reminded how important family is when I finally get to see mine after so many months of "real life."

As the year draws to a close, I have been considering the past months and how my life has changed since the beginning of 2009. There have been so many important events and transformations over the year that I hope I can take this momentum into 2010 and create a good life for myself.

Enjoy your family time, and I will be doing a brain dump in the next few days.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Baby steps

Today the sun was shining, so that's a good sign. My heart is still heavy, and my eyes fill with tears at random moments - the sound of a familiar song, an old memory pops into my head - but these feelings will help me to grow and continue on a forward moving path through life.

I'm not at all ready for Christmas, but I am VERY ready to be with my family. After being half way around the world during the holidays last year, I am very thankful to spend this time with my family and to tell them I love them whenever possible. I am fortunate in that I will always have a home with wonderful parents where I know I am welcome any time.

I think we all need a safe haven. For some that is a physical place, for others that is a person - for everyone it is a necessary part of hurting and healing from which none of us are exempt. Perhaps it is cliche, but the truth remains; the holidays are a perfect time for nostalgia, memories, and feeling every emotion of which you are capable. I'm thankful for the life I am living and my ability to remember so many wonderful things. I have learned a lot about change and transition, but I still feel deeply and cling dearly to the memories I have made with those whom I love.

For as sad as I have felt over the past week, and the sadness I am sure to experience in the coming weeks, I am eternally thankful for the abounding love and support in my life. Sadness is an emotion like any other that needs to be felt and shouldn't be ignored, but I am looking forward to the near future when my inclination is to laugh instead of cry.

And to end on a happy note, even through my foggy tears, I have a wonderful network of friends and family that all made me feel really special today.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Today is awful. My tears just won't stop. My heart hurts and I don't know that it will ever feel whole again. It's hard to breathe and I just can't stop my head from spinning. I don't like when life doesn't make sense. I need to find God again, I need to learn to rely upon myself again. I have to figure out how to push through life while the debris is falling around me. I know I am not the only person that feels so desperate and in pain. I know that you are hurting too. I don't know what else to say. My words are all gone and my happiness with it for the time being. I still believe in love, and I believe in the future, but the present feels like a burning house from which I cannot escape.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Thundersnow of '09

Sitting by the window and staring at the snow is really all I have been doing all day. Quick update and recap: I am now living with my grandparents and doing temp work at the Japanese Embassy in DC. I really like working. I wish this were permanent and I didn't have to continuously think about finding a permanent job, but for now things are going pretty well on the job front.

But as for right this minute, we are being pelted with snow and it is not afraid to accumulate! So far we have about 14 inches and down it continues to pour. I haven't seen snow like this since I was a kid! Of course the snow puts a total wrench in my weekend and I have to miss some events that I was really looking forward to, but I guess safety should be a priority. Secretly though, I think it is pretty cool. I know I have this reputation for hating winter and snow and cold - but I still have a romanticized idea of a White Christmas and a Winter Wonderland.

Can you picture it? Bundled with scarves and hats, snow boots and mittens. Walking hand in hand through snow covered woods. Pink cheeks and noses, cold ears, soft kisses and bright laughter. Evening setting with the moon gleaming off the stark white snow. A warm fire inside with cookies baking and muled cider in over-sized Christmas mugs. Sweaters and turtle necks, thick socks and blankets. Jazzy Christmas music playing and more laughter and kisses. This has got to be the happiest thought in the whole world!

I am deciding today to just be happy. I don't feel so purely happy much these days, so I am taking today and sticking in my pocket so it can't escape from me. I wish happiness to anyone still checking up on my blog. Thank you to my readers - even through all the months of no new thoughts.