Lately, I have not been my usual, happy, optimistic, sickeningly positive self. I am feeling a little defeated, a little lonely; having some self-worth issues, etc. Even though I am deciding now to wallow in sadness and self pity a bit, I don't want you to think this is a cry for attention. I just want to be sad. I want to cry and I want to feel a bit melancholy. I can blame this on anything I want - the weather, dislike of my job, desire to be home close to my family, relationships and friendships.
Sitting in school, knowing how little a difference I am making and beyond that how wasted my time is just makes me long for when I had part time jobs with friends I liked. I miss the Majestic! I want to be back in that box office making $9/hour talking to distraught customers and making their day better. I want to open the MajBo at 10am on Saturday mornings and talk (listen about) video games and new movies with Craig. I want to go back and make more time to hang out with Annie and Christina and Erin. I want to be back in college volunteering with children and playing memory games with colors and shapes. I want to teach them manners and how to be polite and share. I want to color and watch my kids make pictures with their incredible creativity. I want to tutor kids who secretly want to learn and have a huge capacity for knowledge. I want to be able to communicate complex ideas with the people around me and to feel like I am being useful and giving back to my community. I think it would be great to be sitting in class again listening to lectures about management theory and learning accounting and finance theory and application. I want to be able to call a friend up and go to dinner any day of the week, any time of night.
It would be great to go back to high school and be in 3, 4, 5 plays each year. I want to perform on stage for a big audience. I want to sing and have people hear me. I want to learn lines and blocking and help to brainstorm the best way for the scene to be choreographed. I want to put on stage make-up and dye my hair for a show. I want to see my friends from community theatre again and be friends with adults. I want to sit in Japanese class with Mr. DiNicola and be challenged again and actually learn something.
I want to stop complicating my life and my emotions with thoughts of, "what if." I want to have a life that is not compartmentalized between home and college and living in Japan. I want one unified life that doesn't have any secrets. It has been a long time since I have cried and I need to cry and release everything that I am feeling. I need to feel my sadness completely and then let it go completely.
3 comments:
It's always tough when you're going through some troubled times and long to live your memories or thoughts about a better situation, and to get through it, you have to let it all envelop you and find a way to release it. I hope you find your way soon and return with your usual, happy self.
b/c music is always a comfort -
Another day has almost come and gone
Cant imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes Id like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war
Its almost like the hard times circle round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but Im not dead
Tomorrows another day
And Im thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
Im not gonna let it get me down
Im not gonna cry
And Im not gonna lose any sleep tonight
'cause tomorrows another day
And Im thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
sending hugs, a stuffed animal to hold the tears and a cup of tea to help dry them.
Well darling daughter, it seems to me as a woman we all need to cry and release the flood of emotions that we deal with regularly. It doesn't even have to mean that we are unhappy as much as "FULL" and need to let the valve out to release. I myself have recently had a couple of "sad" days. Talking to someone you love and having them just let you vent without trying to fix anything is a great way to feel close to that person again and release the built up emotions. I hope you take advantage of someone you love today.
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