There's no in between

I'm either crazy busy and running around or I am sitting on the couch all day trying to look for a job. My first few weeks home was a whirlwind of traveling and driving and theme parks and reconnecting with friends and family. It was busy and happy and I had no time to sit and think about, "What next?" I kind of liked it that way - I like being busy. Lately it's only been about, "What next?" I've been thinking about this question a lot - and about how to make my savings stretch until that next piece falls into place. Everything is a double-edged sword right now, and with that brings a lot of ups and downs. I'm walking a tightrope with myself to try and figure out what the next big step in my life should be, where it should be, and how I should make it happen. It's a nice thought to think that I am the only one to consider in this decision - but wholly unrealistic.

I think I need a bit of focus - but it's really difficult for me to cut out any options when I am so desperate for a job. Again, double-edged. It's great to talk to my Mom all the time and to so many other people that care about me, but sometimes I just don't want to talk about the job search any more. I don't want the valuable advice I'm being given or the magazines I am being told to read. This is immaturity and stubbornness talking - but it's the truth. Everyone has an opinion about how I should do this and everything thinks I am so capable and qualified, but no one is in the position to just GIVE me the job. Heck, all I really want is to get an interview - I can handle the rest.

I vow to continue applying and taking the suggestions and advice from those around me. I vow to follow-up with the applications I have already submitted and express to these employers that I am for real. I vow to keep trying until something pans out. Mom and Dad, I vow to keep paying all my bills and begin applying for retail and service positions if my savings wears too thin.

Just keep writing, just keep writing, writing, writing

It has been a month since I moved back to my West Virginia home. It has been a hectic month traveling and having wonderful reunions with friends and family. Some of the highlights have been vacationing on the beach, parties up in Boston, quality sister time in New York, and the happiest visit with Chika and Jason in DC. There are so many things to be happy about and thankful for being home.

Sometimes though, I do lose sight of these things. Being home is only hard because Japan is far away - really the same reason being in Japan was hard. **If anyone could invent a working teleportation device, I would give up my first born.**

So what am I doing now? It's a natural question, but comes with a certain amount of stress. Now, I am doing the job search thing - but not as productive with this task as I could be. I have no excuse and I don't intend to think one up. Simply, I am trying my hardest to feel comfortable in my own skin again and comfortable living in the room in which I grew up. I am taking all parts of growing up and being an adult at my own pace. Ultimately, I trust myself and my abilities to find a job and continue on with my life.

In this transition lives many emotions. This is something I was expecting, and not something that I can explain; so I won't try. I will continue to write this blog and share my thoughts and experiences and as much of my emotion as I can with you. Writing has a great healing power in my life, and something that I need to do in order to remain clear-headed.

Have patience with me or don't. Keep reading or don't. Don't expect me to live up to your expectations - I am struggling with my own right now.

I can see the end

So here I am. Facing my last two days in Japan. Living here has given me a whole new perspective on the length of a year. What is supposed to have been 365 days living in Japan, can now be counted in blog posts and pictures and laughs and visits to my favorite restaurants and fireworks.

Standing at Reagan National with my Mom one year ago, I was desperate not to come to Japan. I was afraid of leaving my family and leaving my usual, everyday life in America. This year has been anything but usual and everyday - but in that, my definition of usual and everyday has changed. Living here is comfortable now. I understand how to live on my own, how to make my own money and show up for work on time everyday.

I am afraid to leave this life I have created for myself behind. Perhaps not afraid so much as uncomfortable. But again, jumping out of my comfort zone is my new thing, so that's what I am going to do. I am confident that I will be welcomed home with open arms and more love than I can anticipate. And everything I learned with come with me and help me to build a good and successful life for myself. This transition will be another one for the books, but my experiences in Japan will continue to live and enrich my life as long as I remember how real this past year has been.

No time to chill

The fact that my time here is limited is annoying. The way people anticipate the ending of a phase causes nothing but stress! It would be so much easier if everything were normal and then all of a sudden, POOF, I just wasn't here any more. As it is right now I am scheduling myself until I have only a few hours sleep every night between dinner dates, and packing, and cleaning...

I always feel guilty for over scheduling or having to say goodbye before my friends are ready, so that I can move on to the next goodbye. I am afraid that my overly packed schedule comes across as aloof and nonchalant to these friends of whom I will miss so dearly. I don't have time to make everyone happy.

In addition to trying to see everyone here in Japan, I don't have time to talk to anyone from home any more either. There is no time to Skype, barely any time to talk through instant messages and getting to the point where I don't get online much at all! And realistically speaking, nothing will calm down once I get home either. I just have to wait out the next few months until my leaving and my arriving is less exciting.

I know that all of this stress just means that people love me - and I truly love all of you as well. And if that is the case, then I will take the stress if it means having good friends that care so much for me. I will miss everyone.

I'm not counting...

...but if I were, today marks the 2 week mark until I am back Stateside. For some of you that is really excellent news, and for others it is really sad. I can feel both sides of this, believe me. First, I am SOOO sorry that I have fallen so behind on my blogging; I can't believe it has been a month. If some of you have stopped checking altogether, I don't blame you. There has been so much going on in the way of parties and last hurrahs in Tokyo and spending as much time as I can with my friends here that I have barely had time to sleep, let alone blog about it all. Luckily I have pictures to document my last few weeks here, and I will try to put those up soon - but it may not happen until I am back in the States.

I really hope to keep up my blogging when I get back home. Writing and documenting this year has given me a really effective outlet to think about what I am experiencing and how these things are impacting my life. When I get home, I will be back in very familiar territory, but I do think that I will still need to put my thoughts somewhere. I cannot wait to be home with my family, but in a way, I am afraid of regressing. I want to keep my independence and my ability to take care of myself. All this worrying is probably in vain (I hope) but at least I am keeping the possibility in mind so as to be extra aware not to let it happen.

Gah, my mind is in a thousand directions right now and I am finding it hard to make a coherent post. Bear with me and I will try to clarify my thoughts throughout the week.

Bar たくや

Last Saturday, my good friend Jason made the trek out to Koga so we could hang out. Ibaraki is a pretty large prefecture, but its infrastructure is pretty conducive to easy travel. However, my little spot of Ibaraki, in Koga, is about as disconnected from the rest of the prefecture as you can get. My trains don't go into Ibaraki, but into the surrounding prefectures and the roads from Koga are rather indirect to get to the capital or other cities. This makes it hard to hang out with Ibaraki JETs very often because it is quite the undertaking to travel 2+ hours by train or car.

Anyway, Jason decided to make the journey, and we had a nice time. I guess this is where I should mention that Jason is dating my good friend Chika, but she had a huge table tennis tournament on Saturday, so she couldn't hang out with us - but we saw her on Sunday. :) Anyway, on Saturday night, after dinner we went to this new bar near my apartment. This bar just appeared out of nowhere, but I am glad it did. It is called Bar Takuya and has a tiki/Hawaiian theme. It is a small place, but well decorated. On the outside the door is bright blue and due to the grand opening, there are fresh flowers everywhere - lilies, orchids, carnations, etc.

Jason and I stayed for two hours or so and had a really great conversation. We hit on all kinds of topics, it is really nice to have a friend like him. The drinks were good and pretty well-priced, compared to what I have paid for drinks in and around Tokyo. After we were finished and paid the bill, I asked the bartender if I could take a flower home, in Japanese. He spoke back to me in his best English and said, "Sure, take this one!" He gave me a huge, beautiful orchid plant that his mother had given to him upon the opening of his bar! I will post a picture, but they are really gorgeous and brighten my apartment in such a big way!

Surprises and experiences like this are what I am going to miss about my life in Japan the most.

When in Rome, do as the Japanese do

Or was that supposed to be something else...? Anyway, I have been terribly remiss in my blogging, so now I am playing catch-up. A couple weeks ago (June 13-14th) I took the long train/bus ride to Itako to see my favorite gal, Lauren. Her little hamlet of Itako hosts one of the largest and longest festivals in all of Japan. It is called the Ayame Matsuri (Iris Festival) and it lasts for six weeks each year. For this festival, they ask many of the young women of the community to be the hostesses or "daughters" of the festival. This means they have to wear traditional yukata every weekend and welcome the thousands upon thousands of guests to view the beautiful irises and take part in the many other events sponsored by the festival. For Lauren, this is a huge undertaking and time commitment. For her friends (i.e. me) it is a really great opportunity to see a huge, traditional festival and lounge around for a weekend. :-D

When I came to Japan many years ago for a short homestay, my host family gave me my own yukata as a gift. Since then, I have held onto this beautiful garb for such occasions as an Ayame Matsuri. The morning of the festival, Lauren and I each were dressed in yukata by a fantastic older woman named Osaki-san. She is one key volunteers of the festival and helps Lauren to get properly dressed every weekend. And this particular weekend, she was kind enough to help me as well. Lauren's yukata is identical to that of the other "daughters" of the festival. They are a day navy blue with pretty irises printed on the fabric. They have gold obis (thick belt tied into a bow) and matching geta (traditional wooden sandals). My yukata is red (naturally...haha) with white rabbits and fireworks. It is an unusual pattern, but I really love the white rabbits.

Because I was a foreigner and such good friends with Lauren, the festival organizers and the other "daughters" were extremely welcoming to me and even allowed me to be an Ayame Musume for the day with everyone else. I helped to welcome the guests to the festival and handed out maps of the festival grounds. As an unwritten part of my non-existent contract, I also had to pose for about seven hundred pictures. Honestly, it made me feel like a celebrity and I don't mind the fact that there are a ton of pictures of me floating around Japan; that can be my little mark on the world. Later that day, there was a parade for the festival and I was even asked to dance with the other daughters in the parade. The dance was really easy, and I had a blast. I went around the loop with the dancers 1.5 times, but I think in total, they did 4 rotations.

After all the dancing and festivities, Lauren, invited all the JETs back to her place for a party. She is quite the hostess and the food was delicious and the presentation immaculate. I always enjoy a good party, and this definitely was one. I am going to miss all my JET friends and the atmosphere of living in Japan. I almost feel like I am graduating and moving on from college again - so this is a good thing.

The next morning all of us who spent the night at Lauren's place woke up and ventured out for a breakfast of chocolate croissants and omelets with rice. I headed home that afternoon to an evening of karaoke and then sleep. Sleep is something rather evasive lately, but I rather have it that way than sleep through my last 6 weeks in Japan!